How the brain works never ceases to surprise me.

A message from a journalist. Watching videos of corpses. A feeling of uselessness — meaninglessness — settling over everything I do, paired with a clear awareness that I can’t do much. A wish to make a difference, a small one, any difference at all, hitting a wall. The lungs refuse to cooperate when the brain tries to make sense of it. An abrupt jump from rest to restlessness, circling the room. One corner — pain, one corner — rage, one corner — fear, one corner — the simultaneous wish for surrender and the resistance to surrender. A cage full of mad wolves. Tension. Numbness. Breath. Pain. Tension again. Tightness in the throat. Energy jumping and accumulating in the body, impossible to contain, turning destructive. Sweating it out — temporarily impossible. Drinking — not my style. Forgetting — not my mind. Conscious solutions crossed out. The unconscious brings one. An overload of evil triggers an automatic response: convert it into the opposite. Put it all into creating as much as possible. Bury it in the best you can give. Balance it — so the system does not crash. And hope it holds.